The fog is slowly lifting from the memories in my mind.
The tightly wrapped emotions are beginning to unwind.
My closely guarded feelings haven't seen the light of day,
Since my self-protective conscious sealed them up away from pain.
My story isn't special; I'm not different nor unique,
Every grown up kid is wounded, terrified, afraid to speak,
Of the painful memories haunting, weighing hard upon their soul,
They know they could have done much better, should have been more "in-control".
Reviewing past decisions and results that come from choice,
"You must really be quite evil", taunts that nagging inner voice.
You should really have known better, should have lived unselfishly,
You're an undeserving, self-concerning, parasitic flea.
You've got nothing good to offer. Your façade is cracked and faded.
Do you think you're something special? No one else seems much persuaded.
You could do the world a favor, if you just gave up and died.
At least they wouldn't have to deal with what you truly are inside.
But just before the final straw, a light off in the distance,
An unsuspecting traveler, she's in need of my assistance.
She's struggling with issues of her own, and doesn't seem to notice,
How reprehensible I am and undeniably worthless.
Instead with glowing words of praise she says, I'm "heaven sent",
Love's not only blind, and deaf, and dumb, it's also without scent!
Since she seems not to take notice, how despicable I am,
I guess it wouldn't hurt too much to give a little hand.
As long as there are problems, more obvious than mine,
It shouldn't be too dangerous to give a bit more time.
But as each issue is resolved, there raises an alert,
Soon I'll have nothing more to give, except of course, my hurt.
What then? I ask the stars at night, alone, safe in the dark.
Can someone really love me when they've seen what's in my heart?
Will she not just simply run away, propelled by premonition?
A fearful thought, to expose now, my true human condition.
But you know me, I cannot sit, I have to push ahead,
There is no treading water, You're either living or you're dead.
With all the time that we have spent, developing the link,
Honest communication, both the good and bad, you'd think,
That if this bond's not strong enough, to handle such a strain,
There is no person on this earth, can help to heal my pain.
And so, with trepidation, I start slowly to unwind,
The bandages, applied in haste, back when I was 'bout nine.
Our journey's path, the next two years, the rockiest we'd known.
Was probably quite typical, our whole world turned upside down.
All past beliefs were analyzed, most led towards separation,
In home, in church, at work, or play: stereotypical alienation.
As I worked backward, discovering pain, forgotten points of trauma,
She, step by step, moved forward through her validation drama.
The turning point, decision time, to stay or make a split,
A separation sometimes helps, pushing us to recommit.
Once the brain has fully tasted, the sweet fruit of "learning more",
An entire world of treasures lies in wait to be explored.
With diploma testifying to the growth that she had made,
Can she use her new found skills to help her husband find the way?
35 and counting, till perfection is achieved.
At the rate that we've been going, satisfaction's guaranteed.
As we keep working together, playing carrot, stick, steel wool,
We become aware, more fully now, just how much our God is Good.
The path towards "eyes wide open", is traversed by very few,
And to make it to the finish, is a testimony to:
The Amazing Teacher,
who, controls the massive galaxies,
yet always seems
to find the time
to talk with you and me.
The Individual Student,
who, while stumbling blindly round,
in trembling voice,
accepts the call,
and journeys heaven-bound.
The Journey Mates,
who, passionately desire,
learning what it means to love,
will gladly take on any role
that helps their partner grow.
"How far", "How fast",
never wanting to slow down,
Wanting love not only for themselves,
but in time,
to share it round.
For after learning how to learn, she then learned how to give,
And as I learned how to receive, I also learned to live.