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Waking From The Dream
Perceptions Of Reality
Subconsciously Surviving
If I Lived With Perfect People
People I Wouldn't Choose To Meet
Living On The Edge Of The Bell Curve
If I Only Had A Mentor
Thinking To Feel
Wounded Kids
Baby Auditions

Thinking To Feel

Ratz, 11/15/03 ©

I'm watching as you watch me.  I saw you look, then look away.
I consult my mental notebook and select which play to play.

I prepare the proper smile, slightly angled to the sun.
Squint the eyes to show their sparkle.  My 'shy approach', version 1.

I'm never truly in the moment.  I live an 'out of body' life,
Hovering just over my shoulder, a few feet back and to the right.

I remember clear the moment, when my life forever changed.
When I shut down my emotions, to protect myself from pain.

I became a thoughtful robot.  Learned to think of each event.
Gauging actions and reactions.  Faking feelings to fit in.

I've been traveling down this road so long.  I've lost hope for a revival.
I can't imagine living life beyond this analytical survival.

It has helped with self-protection.  But it sucks for making friends.
I'm the ultimate outsider.  Ain't no way you're getting in.

You're not able to uncover.  You're not smart enough to see.
Living in this hall of mirrors: Can you tell which one is me?

Are those really my true feelings?  Or are they part of the scam?
I've become so good at hiding,  I've forgotten what I am.

I have learned to feel no feelings.  Not to care what others think.
This compulsive self-protection's, nearly pushed me to the brink,

Of mechanical destruction.  Removing flesh and leaving bone.
My arms have atrophied by now.  I cannot reach you.  I'm alone.

Can I ever learn to feel again?  Can I escape from 'over-thought'?

How does one decide by thinking...

To stop thinking...

Quite so hard...?

Can I really choose to let go, this illusion of control?
What will those around me think of me, when I reveal what I don't know?

That I'm basically a failure when it comes to making friends.
Will they show me understanding?  Or leave me lonely once again?

I've got nothing left to lose.  I've finally made it to the end.
With baited breath I summon courage.  At last admitting what I am.


As I wait for your reaction.  Anticipating your reply.
Instead of shock, humiliation…  With caring eyes you start to cry.

You pull me close with loving arms and say you've always had a feeling,
That the person I've been playing, was a cover...not the real me.

I never knew how you were hurting, how much loneliness you felt.
If I'd known about this sooner, I'd have given you more help.

But you always seemed so balanced, so complete and in control.
Your defenses did not save you from your wounded heart and soul.

They protected just the outside, while inside you felt the pain.
But that's over now, I'll help you as you learn to feel again.

Let me share with you your tears and pain, insecurities and doubts.
If you have a friend beside you, everything can be worked out.

The first steps are the hardest.  At times you'll want to run away,
Back to the safety of your prison.  But just take it day by day.

I will do my best to love you every moment from now on.
But I too am also wounded, just like you, like everyone.

We are all in this together,
no one's better than another.

If someone seems too perfect,

Just remember,